You know, you have those days when you just feel numb, no feeling, as if dead inside I was having one of those days. I had a hungry stomach, so I decided to eat something, but the food didn’t seem to have any taste and smell. The silent darkness just didn’t add to the happiness on the outside. Also, I didn’t feel. It was a Sunday, which also implied that I was officially allowed to live in my dreams. When you allow yourself to live in your thoughts, you live the best possible life. But, alas, thoughts aren’t real, but they can be made into reality but I just didn’t seem to have the motivation and the senses required. Figuratively, I was out of my senses, and maybe, literally too.
This feeling was something I’d describe as sheer darkness on the outside but all brightness on the inside of me. People in the land lived normal lives when all the senses work, all days but I didn’t live a life, I lived a roller coaster. I live in a world where one of my five senses “turns off” on each day. Mondays, I’m blind. On Tuesdays, deaf. Wednesday, I might as well eat chillies. Thursdays, I can’t smell. Fridays, there is no feeling. Saturdays are the only time they all work properly. Sundays, all shut off once and I only waited for Sundays. I couldn’t embrace reality the way people did. I was better off in the world inside of me. The weeks I have aren’t normal weeks, they are full of unexpected adventures. I was about to have an adventure, I thought.
To enjoy a Sunday properly I did every arrangement. I may not be able to use any of my five senses, I could still do something, I mean, I may be not a great watcher, or listener, don’t feel a lot or smell very quick… but damn it, I can speak! And even people with all their senses working, they don’t make use of any of
their senses properly, but they speak as if they know everything, but that is a topic for another day.
So, I called in someone to take me to my mom’s room and acted almost like I could walk without your help but hey, I’d like a little affection, hand in hand, PLEASE? I’d never get hurt even if my head bumps into something because I cannot feel, it was really very difficult but it had to be done, so, when I came into her room, I and my mom talked, mostly she’d talk, mostly blabber about her normal week, I think but cannot surely know. I mean, I’d listen but not listen, I was mostly in my own world- also, the best world. And she hardly asked me any questions but even if she did I wouldn’t know, but the day after, that would be Monday, I’d never hear anything from her, so I reckon there was nothing, even if there was anything, I really cannot know, by any means. And having attended so many of these talks, I knew exactly when would I have to start talking, I don’t talk much, but I do talk. I’d stay affectionate with my mom too because if I don’t, I can never really know where the hell am I? But even if my head or anything bumped into something, I’d never feel or hear. Someone would take me to the kitchen, I was made to eat whatever was prepared but then again, and I’d just eat but not eat. I’d praise the food, afterwards.
But that does not mean that I don’t love my mom, I do, the old woman was just too innocent and ignorant. Nonetheless, I put a very good show but, don’t we all? From morning till the night, don’t we all just act? Act to be happy even when we are not, act to know stuff, even when we haven’t even heard of it? Act to be living when we know we are just existing.
This was the normal thing that went by in the morning. But the day had just begun. I still had the whole day to be with myself. And so I did.
The clock struck twelve, the darkness still remained there, but it felt like the world did exist and I was there to feel it exist. I thought of my past and wanted to feel what it would be like to experience those times again, so I planned to go the hospital and get my eyes checked, so I called the hospital using the smartphone accessibility for people with visual impairments. I called for a pick-up service so as to reach there as a blind person. I requested the doctor for the sudden treatment for my blindness, but the thing that I knew was that there was nothing that could be done, my eyes were perfectly fine, they just couldn’t sense the light, not due to normal blindness but due to only-god-knows-reasoned blindness for them but before I could see the doctor I was in the waiting room, with people like me, where no one knew me, where I didn’t have to act as if I am not blind.
It felt great to be with people like you and talk to them, I felt the pain of blind people, people who saw just darkness from their birth till now, who had light just in front of them but couldn’t see at all, and how they just wished for one photon of light to enter their eyes and see the world they live in. I ridiculed my blindness, but after talking and getting to know the blind people’s version of the world, I couldn’t justify as to why I did what I did, why I didn’t feel grateful to have all my sense on Saturdays and why don’t all of the normal people feel grateful every day. They can live the life they want and they do have all of their senses. Hellen Keller was suddenly my inspiration that the completely normal people went on to give excuses as to why they cannot do this and that, the impaired people did what may seem next to impossible, despite the circumstances. It just felt strange. It felt amazing to have known their desires in life and how determined they were to achieve their goals when I even didn’t have the desire to get out of bed. It was time for me to
go after I refused treatment, obviously. I was then taken home. I wondered about it until I got home and god, that was brainstorming.
The next day was Tuesday, the darkness left but the silence set in my world, today I’d be deaf. I, today, went to a different hospital, to spend some time with the deaf people as a deaf person who wanted treatment, not literally, just to talk with deaf people, obviously. And as I talked, Ludwig Beethoven (a deaf music composer) became my new inspiration. I got to know their imagination of what actual sound might sound like, and what the world would be like if they had ears that worked. I talked to them mostly with the help of an equipment which deaf people use, which was really hard. But, that talk, still, gave me yet another reason to be grateful or more yet, inspired. The energy and passion these people had were never ever seen. I wondered and wondered what was that all about and why I wasn’t like them, why anybody wasn’t?
I really wanted to feel grateful and not sad, because I had what many people didn’t and people with all of their senses working had mostly everything which gave them no reason to actually want something. I then returned home feeling more powerful than ever.
I spent the rest three days without the left three senses with people who couldn’t taste, smell or feel since birth, and I, on the other hand, was impaired for twice a week, we were both different from the people who didn’t lose any of their senses never. But the difference in lifestyle was tremendous. I felt strongly about the gratitude quotient inside of me.
Then came Saturday, I felt whole today, I could fit in the world I live in. so, I went outside, to a public place to meet people who were perfectly fine. And note that I didn’t have to go to the hospital to meet these people but the negativity they had inside of them was actually more than a physically unfit person, they seem more unhappy than anyone I have ever met. I didn’t want to be one of these humans, who I was, on this day of the week.
I was taken to my mom’s today, on Sunday. I wanted to tell her everything I had in mind from the week I had, I let out every shred of power, inspiration, anger, and strangeness in front of my mom. I only did what I could, for the whole day: I spoke, about every feeling in my heart and mind. But little did I know that it was all in vain.
I slept through the night in my mom’s room that day and the instant I woke up, and now that I wasn’t deaf, I was only blind, a Monday, I said,” Mom, mind coming upstairs? I want to talk to you”
“I might have a difficult time coming all the way up, you should come down here.” I have the same reason, for god’s sake, I cannot go all the way and also, stay alive, because it is millions of stairs down. I thought and finally said, “Send molly, the maid upstairs, I cannot find my glasses, so can’t see” which was actually half true. So with my affection trick- hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, I went down to my mom and asked her to repeat her reply about the downpour of feelings I had let out yesterday because I did not pay attention that time, which is also, subtly, half true.
But that’s when it hit me, we were both putting up a good show, we both wanted each other to believe that we were both equally normal in this normal world and we didn’t lose one
sense each weekday, and got and lost all of our senses on the weekends, when actually we did. We thought we’d adapt ourselves according to the surroundings which were an assumption we thought would definitely be true, but when it wasn’t, we blamed ourselves, when clearly that was never to happen, we decided that our assumption would be true. Which is also what the people in the normal world do, trying to make themselves fit in a world that is not for them, losing their individual self. But this thing didn’t bother me as much as the things actually going on the inside of my mind, I without putting up any questions, narrated everything in front of my mom, and she just said, “I am proud of you”
I still remember our first day in this new land, where I, at least, was actually trying to fit in the world where I was only the odd one out, where I was deprived of something everybody has, senses. Still, I kept trying but I was never able to fit because I knew I cannot, somewhere deep I still desired to fit. I was never able to understand the fact that I didn’t have to like ordinary people, I was who I was and there was no use of wanting to be someone else.
But, this time I realized that I was no less than other people, I was whole in myself and didn’t need anything and that’s exactly when the inspiration from the hospital came into use. Now, there was no stopping me from literally anything, or any deprivation, for that matter. The country from which we both came from, had people like us, we came here because I wanted something new, a new experience and this was it, this realization was the end stone. This was the past I wanted to experience the day I went to the hospital, and now that I finally got over it and my life didn’t revolve around the things I didn’t have, I could embrace myself.
I promised to my mom, I will remove the darkness and negativity, change the world within and around me and I will do something in life, despite the circumstances ….because it’s the inside that matters and not the outside. ….however, different from people I live with, I can do something worthwhile which the normal people wouldn’t even think of doing. I’d do something worth doing.