The air was heavy and smelling rainy since afternoon, but, the final show was waiting for the perfect cue to arrive on stage.

I had just started to celebrate my first published book, with myself, enjoying the sweet aroma of freshly brewed coffee, when I heard the rain impinge on the earth, making me again so queasy. Initially started as sprinkling, soon turned into a torrential downpour. Out of habit I sat beside the half closed window, looking through the curtain of water, at the dimmed lights of the sprawling city. Touching the dribbling droplets on the window pane, I scribbled a name,

“Ansh”.

Then hurriedly smudged it with a warmer drop of water, now trickling down the helpless cheeks.

I opened the diary to tame my restless mind. Too many memories fogged my already disturbed mind. I started finishing an incomplete entry to distract myself, but even that turned out to be a letter to my nemesis.

18th August. Same day last year, though seems like eons ago. It was raining ominously like today, but, from inside I was all sunny.

That year my birthday had started a few hours early. Every 5 minutes a message was popping on my phone wishing me a Happy Birthday, in languages of different countries around the world where the clock had already struck 12’ and I was blushing silly red.

You remember, the first time we met, you said I was too quiet. And you took upon yourself to break the barrier of silence. You pursued with such sheer sincerity, baited and waited, till the wall was completely broken, one brick at a time.

You had replaced my diary. I bared my heart open for the first time in my life to a mortal being. The nervous hands, which dropped forks on the first dinner dates, now held your hand with confidence on the beach. And on a rain drenched evening, shared her bravest dream of becoming a published author with you. In reply  you had pressed your mouth against my trembling lips with the assurance to walk the path alongside. I kept asking stupid reassurances that you would never leave, too naive to see through your secret

Yes, I was naive, but I could not be the bitch your wife would loathe forever or the witch your son would fear. I was ready to give up everything to just live with you, but I never wanted to fall from my own grace. I wanted to be your knight in the shining armour, saving you from the loveless world and not just another pizza night to break the monotony of rice and dal. So I wanted to say a yes, but, I said a No to us, then and forever.

Today, as I tread the path, that we planned to cross together, all alone, I still search for your hand and scribble your name here and there. Because the heart sometime cannot be as strong as the mind, without fear.

——X——-

Sreeparna Sen

Written by Sreeparna Sen

Sreeparna Sen, a Banker by profession and a Computer Engineer by education, finds her solace in writing. Aspires to become a published author someday. When she is not poking her nose in the bank documents , you can mostly find her nose in a book or Facebook.