I don’t know what to do? I am so confused. It feels as if I am being pulled in two opposite directions. I like her. (There I have written it, though I still can’t say it aloud because then it becomes real.)
Can you believe it, she called me!
“How are you feeling Vaishali?”
How am I feeling? Scared, excited, elated that she called me, shameful to be feeling happy that she wants me.
“You will come around my dear. How long will you deny what you feel?”
What do I feel? Nothing, is what I want to tell her. But then I would be lying.
She then went on to say, “How long can you hide. I know you.”
And I wanted to say, “No you don’t. I have lived with myself for forty-three years and you have known me for only six, not years just months. When I don’t know myself how can you.”
But you know what I actually said – absolutely nothing. My palms went sweaty and I disconnected the call. Now I had better stop writing and hide you, the kids will be home any minute.
It feels I am on autopilot. I did these things – made breakfast, packed tiffins, waved kids and hubby goodbye but all the while I was thinking about her and what she wants and if I am being honest what I seem to want too.
Do you want to know how I met her?
She was stepping out of the elevator just as I was about to step in. Since we were on my floor and I had never seen her before I asked, “Hi, looking for someone?”
“Yes, the estate agent was supposed to show me this flat,” she said indicating 1101.
“Oh, ok. Well I am in 1103. I have to rush, otherwise I would have offered coffee while you wait for the agent.”
“Nah, its ok,” she waved me off.
Then I forgot all about her in the following days until after a couple of weeks she rang my doorbell.
“Hi, just thought I will let you know that I will be shifting in tomorrow.”
“Oh, that’s great. Welcome to the neighborhood. If there is anything I can do, let me know.”
“The usual – maids, vendors.”
“I’ll help you with that.”
“That’s so sweet of you.”
Thus, she moved in and a new friendship blossomed. The best part was that she had a few days leave before she was to join office, so we would sit and chat for hours once the kids and husband left.
Which reminds me I had better get down my chores. See you soon.
It’s been three days since I hung up on her. She hasn’t called and neither have I. On one hand I am disappointed and on the other heaving a sigh of relief. This is very confusing; my thoughts and desires are all over the place. Why now, why her, what’s changed in me? Even the thought of admitting it aloud gives me the shivers. Anyway, let me continue telling you how I came to be in this position.
Things were going well, until a couple of months after we had met. I had thrown an impromptu get together. She and I were sitting on the sofa really close to each other as four of us were trying to fit into a three-seater. Our arms kept brushing, thighs kept rubbing and slowly but surely, I felt that. My heart beat increased and I felt hot. A little confused I looked up at her. She was looking at me. Her eyes were focused on me entirely and she had a small smile on her scarlet lips. After the party she helped me clean up and kept brushing against me. I wanted her to stop, I wanted her to continue. Just before she left, she tucked a lose strand of hair behind my ear and said in a low seductive voice, “You are beautiful and you are beautifully flustered right now.”
To this day I can’t articulate exactly how I felt in that moment. The next day after everyone had left, I walked over to her apartment.
“I was wondering when you would come,” smiling confidently she opened the door.
“You are a.., a…”
With a half-smile she said, “I am a what?”
“You know what you are,” I said a little miffed.
She laughed, “Oh baby, we have a long way to go if you can’t even say lesbian.” Saying so she kissed me. “I am off to work. Sit here and contemplate, if you need to.”
“I am not like you. I am married,” I said to her retreating back.
“So was I once, babes. So was I.”
Imagine that, she had left me with that ‘statement’. I shakily walked back to my apartment.
It feels good to write things down. Though I don’t know if this will help. Ok, got to go. Will be back tomorrow.
Hopefully I can finish the story today.
Anyway that ‘statement’ day and the others following it were dedicated to soul-searching. Was I always like this? Or was this a new phenomenon? Perhaps there had never been a ‘right time’ to explore these feelings before.
Sometimes I feel shit-scared when I think what it means to admit that I like her, I want to be with her. What happens if people find out. She can leave but my whole life is here. She has nothing to lose and I have everything to lose.
Anyhow, back to the story. We did explore, a little, first base and second base, touches and kisses, but now she wants more. What should I do?
Do I open the door and walk out, or do it behind closed doors or not do it at all? As of now I am unsure. I am still discovering myself.
This is an entry for UniK-4, a 1000-word writing event at ArtoonsInn.
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